Recent studies show that one of the five aspects of human well-being is positive relationships. It appears that the saying “no man is an island” is an apt one, or, one might say no ‘happy’ man is an island. (Happiness itself is a small part of another aspect altogether. The five together are: positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and accomplishment.)
So the question is, how do we build positive relationships? There are two important principles that can help us with this. The first is called the Losada ratio. This ratio measures the amount of positivity versus negativity in any given relationship. For example, it’s been shown that in flourishing companies meetings have a ratio of 2.9 positive comments for every 1 negative comment. This same ratio in a marriage is typical of a relationship headed toward divorce. You need a 5:1 ration to predict a strong and loving marriage -- five positive statements for every critical statement you make of your spouse (Flourish pg. 95). (It’s important to note you can be too positive. At a ration of 13:1 you’re so positive it’s dangerous.)
How do we improve this? Other than paying closer attention to the words that come out of our mouths, what can we do? Positive psychology shows us that there are four ways of responding to the people in our lives. They are active constructive, passive constructive, passive destructive and active destructive. In his book Flourish, Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, uses the example of receiving a promotion.
Let’s put ourselves in those shoes. Imagine you just found out that you’re getting promoted at work. You share this information with someone important in your life, a friend, significant other, maybe a parent. In active destructive responding, that person says something like, “Wow. That’s a lot of new responsibility. Does this mean you’re going to be working more overtime?” Passive destructive might be as subtle as not recognizing the topic at all: “Did you hear the Seahawk’s won their game?” Passive constructive is the supportive, “That’s great!” with no follow up. The final type of responding is the most helpful in building positive relationships and what we can do is make sure we’re interacting with the people in our lives using active constructive responses. Active constructive is tough and often requires effort, but it is the only one that truly builds relationships.
In our promotion scenario, your person shows interest in the details of the event. He or she makes an effort to relive the event with you, “I’m so proud of you! When did you find out? What kind of work are you going to be doing? Who gave you the good news? What did he/she say? Let’s celebrate!” While it can take some energy to work these kinds of question into your interactions, the potential improvement in your relationships and your own well-being is well worth the effort.
It’s important to remember that our non-verbal communication is just as or even more important than what we say. If you look bored, it doesn’t matter what questions you’re asking. No one’s going to be convinced.
By paying attention to what we say, how positive or negative it is and the manner in which react to news shared by the people in our lives we can start to build better, more meaningful relationships. Keeping these two factors in mind we can improve suffering relationships or make what’s good, great.
Resources
Fredrickson, B. L. and Losada, M. F., “Positive Effect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing, American Psychologist 60 (2005): 678-86.
Seligman, Martin. Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Simon and Schuster, 2011.
authentichappiness.org
